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Writer of fiction that reflects the light of Jesus. Sometimes the grit mixes with beauty to make up a picture of this life. That's where my fiction lives.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Miss Susie Story--Skipping Work in Doug's Car

{From 1999-2010 I worked with kids...sometimes, to bribe them, I'd tell "Miss Susie Stories". I'm using them again to bribe...bribe you to "follow" my blog. Shameless, absolutely. I will occasionally treat you to these ridiculous stories...all true, some exaggerated for comedic purposes. Enjoy yourself at my expense.}

The summer between my Junior and Senior years in high school I worked at a fast food joint. Let's just say billions were served and a clown was involved. I hated that job. Massively. My manager scheduled me for the morning shift almost every day. I saw the egg substance that became the egg muffins (and I use the word "egg" loosely here, friends), smelled the incessant frying of "bacon" and "sausage" and "potatoes". And, let me tell you, customers at 7 am, pre-coffee, are evil. I don't joke about this.

I only took the job so that my friend Julie would get a tiny raise (she wanted to be a manager and recruited me to help her climb the greasy ladder of fast-food success).

Now, you need to understand, Julie was 1) blonde, 2) bubbly, 3) loved her job.  The customers loved her even when she royally screwed up their orders. When the two of us were taking orders at the counter her line was always full, customers preferred her...especially the guys.

Whatever. Less work for me.

Anyway, one night before an early Saturday morning shift I stayed over at Julie's house. We were both supposed to work the next day. And, for one reason or another (not because we were drunk or high...so don't even go there) we both decided that we didn't want to work. So, we did the responsible thing. We called in "sick" for each other.

"Hi, this is Julie's big sister," I said, cleverly disguising my voice. "Julie had a major asthma attack and will need to miss work. She is very sad about it."

Then Julie called.

"Yes, this is Susie's mom. She has explosive diarrhea. I don't think you want her working today...oh, you don't mind? Well, that's disturbing. She won't be there anyway."

Diarrhea? Really? And explosive at that. Thanks a lot, jerk.

Well, regardless of the looming humiliation of everyone at work thinking I was exploding, I was happy. We didn't have to work! Yippee Skippy!

We slept in, listened to a little Pearl Jam and drank highly caffeinated beverages until we were shaky.

"Hey," Julie said at one point. "You hungry?"

"Yeah. I could really go for a burger." I answered.

"Awesome."

But then we realized that we didn't have a car. And that the only fast food place within walking distance was the one that we were playing hooky from. Oh, the problems that American teenagers face.

There was, however, a car parked in the driveway. A very new, very shiny, very red Beretta. It belonged to her big brother Doug. It was his favorite thing in all the world.

"Doug will let us take his car." Julie hopped off her bed and skipped down the steps.

"What do you want?" Doug asked, still...um...not feeling well from the night before.

"Dougie, we need your car."

After a lengthy negotiation he handed her the keys. We had to follow 3 rules.

1. No eating in the car
2. No drinking in the car
3. No crashing the car

Julie assured him that we would abide by the rules. And we were on our way.

We picked up value meals at a joint (the same company that we worked for) a few blocks away. Then Julie insisted that we drive past our place of work, eating our burgers and drinking our pop (or soda for you Non-Michiganders). We shoved the food into our mouths, laughing like fools at our manager for believing that we were both sick.

Then Julie turned left. But she didn't look first. I saw the other car headed for us before she did. And, being a clear thinker in times of emergency, I passed out. Before the impact.

When I woke up I saw the windshield inches from my face, caved in from the crash. All across the crinkled glass was splattered coke.

"Crap," I said. "Doug's going to kill us. We drank in his car."

Then I heard Julie screaming. "Get out! It's going to blow!" (silly girl)

I tried to move, but couldn't. I just knew that I was paralyzed. My spinal cord was severed and I would never walk again. I would have an afterschool special movie made about my life..."The Girl Who Skipped Work". A cautionary tale.

"Unbuckle your seat belt, stupid!" Julie kindly reminded.

Right. Shoot. No afterschool special.

I got out of the car, which, by the way, was turned the opposite way from where we were headed.

"Dang," I thought. "That's not good."

Then I looked up. Standing outside the fast-food place stood my boss, my coworkers and many regular customers.

"Uh oh."

Well, after being whisked away by an ambulance, spending far too long on a back board and being on "concussion watch" I was "okay".

And here's the part I DIDN'T tell the kids I taught...we totally got away with it. Seriously.

Doug (in a rare moment of humanitarianism) was just so relieved that we didn't get mangled and killed that he wasn't mad about his car. Oh...and the huge insurance check didn't hurt. He got an even cooler car.

Julie's mom was so worried that I would sue them that she bought me all the Brad Pitt stuff I could handle. Books, posters, videos. Pretty good out of court settlement, right? And the next week she let Julie drive her car so we could hang out with friends.

And, our manager was distraught that we had such a bad day...asthma and diarrhea PLUS a huge head on car accident. How terrible. She gave us the next two weeks off so we could heal. And, because of my whiplash, I didn't have to mop the dining room or clean the bathrooms anymore.

So, the moral of the story? Work ethic is important. Or don't eat and drive. Maybe don't let teenagers drive. I don't know.

What do YOU think the moral of the story should be?

  

2 comments:

  1. Hmmm, good question. First let me say, "BAHAHAHAHAHA!". ;-) Thank you so much for sharing that. The moral of the story...don't borrow Dougie's car?? You will never experience the absolute mayhem of being a teenager again so live it up??? No, that can't be right...

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  2. Ha ha ha! The kids I used to teach (um...I was their Bible teacher) used to say it was "don't lie". But they don't know that we didn't get in trouble. :)

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